Donald Trump

Losing Hearing?

Andy Cranberry

Mara Lago – Sources have indicated that Donald Trump has lost some hearing. Witnesses say that Mr. Trump often responds to personal briefings from his staff by shouting “What!?” It is unclear whether the loss is due to the acceleration of ear hair growth. Sources say Trump has been harvesting the ear hair for transplantation to his skull. It has long been known that Mr. Trump’s pate has become more sparsely covered over the years and strands can often be found on his favorite blanket and other personal items.

Dr. Michael Tweezer, a renowned hair surgeon, explained to the Times that it is unlikely that Mr. Trump’s facial and other pubic hair is becoming sparser, although his eyebrows have reportedly been more furrowed of late, making the evidence of harvesting there harder to detect. But ear hair tends to proliferate in older men, so it provides a bounteous supply, especially if artificially stimulated. Unfortunately such growth could negatively impact hearing. As to whether Mr. Trump’s ear hair or possibly nasal hair is being harvested to replace his trademark golden fleece, persons close to Mr. Trump have so far refused to comment, citing legal restrictions.

Dr. Tweezer also said there were wonderful treatments for both hair and hearing loss developed over the past two decades. He said it was unclear whether Mr. Trump was undergoing any treatment at the present time, but that the roots of the hair currently covering Mr. Trump’s head and brow are unlikely to be in his ears.

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McCarthy Performs First Act of His New Play “Let Me Speak”

Vidalia Unjon

Washington – Congressman Kevin MccCarthy performed the first act of his new one-man theater piece Friday for a packed House (of Representatives). Taking inspiration from his Irish heritage, McCarthy invoked a Joycean sensibility with his stream-of-consciousness expostulations and polysemous word play, at one point exclaiming,  “Gas prices! Thanksgiving!”

Unfortunately, McCarthy outlasted most of his audience, as the performance continued until dawn Saturday. Some have speculated that Republicans possibly choosing Donald Trump to become Speaker may have something to do with the

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Zoo Animals Contracting COVID-19

Emory Cratts

Obberts View – Animals in zoos all over the nation have been coming down with the coronavirus. Several have died, including hyenas, timber wolves, gazelles, and a pregnant polar bear named Sapphire. At- tempts to save Sapphire’s unborn cub, who was to be named Latisha, were not successful.

Sadly, other creatures  have succumbed to complications from the disease. Andrew, an anteater at the People’s Zoo in Obberts View, Indiana, died when a nest of stinging ants overran him. Unable to smell or taste, he discovered too late that his lunch was attacking him. Zoo officials were unaware of Andrew’s illness, and said they would have served him a nest of odorous house ants had they known. It was only hours later that Andrew was discovered unrespon- sive. Less deadly consequences are more common. Tanya, a tiger at People’s Zoo, simply lets her tongue protrude at all times in case some- thing turns out to be food.

Most animals seem to recover with- out long-term effects. But typical symptoms such as brain fog have been observed. For example, chimpanzees at the People’s have reacted to humans with familial

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