Trumpy Annunciation

Archie Fay

Palm Beach – Donald Trump announced he was running for president again Tuesday night at his Mar-a-Lago resort/home surrounded by a forest of American flags. Several people showed up for the event, including his wife, Melania, who stood statuesquely polished and poised upon spiked heels. She wore a daringly pure white skirt, even though it was November, and a black blouse with white polka dots that resembled squished versions of the flags’ stars behind her. Similarly, the flags’ stripes flowing at a 60-degree angle behind her husband, made his signature red tie seem to be an errant one that broke away to point piningly past his belt at the junction of his legs.

Mrs. Trump

Melania’s hair was tinged with a fringe of blond blending into her Florida tan, creating an almost lifelike expression, but somewhat diminished by a coppery glow that one might see hovering exhaustedly over an industrial city at sunset. Together the Trumps offered smiles to the enthused supporters who had paid to get in and were prevented from leaving early by security personnel. Mr. Trump pointed regally into the throng in various directions, seeming to select those of lax fealty for unspecified consequences.

The former president noted that it was easy to speak in front of crowds when there was such love in the room and added, “You should try it,” followed by a startling “ha,” which made everyone realize that they had just heard him laugh, even if it was more sarcastic than jolly. Mr. Trump tooo seemed startled and quickly reestablished his standard pained expression of drinking something very distasteful to reestablish the appropriate demeanor for a somewhat unfocused list of tribulations the country was suffering sans his leadership and recalling all the great accomplishments he remembered accomplishing.

Twitter Worker Jitters

Fred Bread

San Francisco – Twitter might lose even more employees. Mass layoffs have already cut its workforce in half and several engineers were fired, but now Elon Musk has given the remaining staff members an ultimatum. They must commit to an “extremely hardcore” work environment. He has asked them in an email, “If you are sure that you want to be part of the new Twitter, please click yes on the link below.” Employees were then instructed to sign an agreement form by 5 p.m. Eastern on November 17th or they would be discharged and receive three months of severance pay.

The specifics of “extremely hardcore” have not been divulged except that it means “working long hours at high intensity.” And reports have reported that several large hamster cages have been installed in the lower levels of Twitter headquarters. The signature form also said that “only exceptional performance will constitute a passing grade.” Thus, a grading app, reportedly given the name Mrs. Weeksmuter after an employee’s third grade teacher, is now in charge of HR. Mr. Musk has decided that average human beings are not compatible with the upgraded technology of the Twitter he envisions.

Mrs. Weeksmuter

The vital work of giving advertisers a place to bombard people with enhanced information as they expound upon favorite subjects for the benefit of mankind and also share entrancing videos of their nephews will obviously require not only highly complex mathematics but grueling concentration, uncompromising accuracy, and dedication to a future where all things make sense as long as there are enough followers.

Meanwhile, Mr. Musk says he wants someone else to run Twitter. He’s tired.

Techy Feely

Andy Cranberry

Having sex with real people is becoming old hat. It’s messy, gooey, and emotionally wearying. It also spreads disease, jealousy, and saliva and tends to cause more people. Thankfully, we now have an abundance of thoughtful engineers who have the skills and technological savvy to actually make functioning apparatuses now that they no longer work at Twitter.

What things they are making many of currently are sexbots, i.e., robots of carnal simulation whom one now may know in the biblical sense. The industry is booming, with revenues of about two hundred million dollars per year. One upon a time, a sexbot cost ten thousand dollars and couldn’t even fake an orgasm. Now, new technologies have created features that make all the difference.

Miss Sexbot Prototype

Sexbots can now move their head and limbs, and sensors can detect when you touch them. They also are fitted with AI technology that makes them able to respond to one’s typical romantic questions, like “How do you like my penis?” and “Are you into a threesome with my electric toothbrush?”

Sexbot technology continues to advance, with future developments to make them even more realistic. For example, artificial skin that feels real, once thought useful only for boring burn victims, will soon be available to cover sexbot bodies entirely.

Looking ahead, there could also be heavy breathing technology introduced, complete with bad breath, a slime that can be tweaked to coat various orifices, as well as permanent foot odors for the fetishist.

Not only that, but sexbots will eventually have the ability to share their experiences with other sexbots via social media so you can catch them talking about how hot you are.