Tod Grubble

Atlanta – On Tuesday Georgia voters decided not to elect Herschel Walker to be their US senator, a football star drafted in Donald Trump’s first round. Walker went up against Raphael Warnock who had won the special election two years ago by running a zigzagging blue streak pattern through sparsely defended red-hat zones.

Cruz blocks, Walker runs, Graham dreams

He also used a two-pronged strategy of talking about his record as a competent lawmaker who could work with the GOP while also highlighting the fact that he was not a complete imbecile.

Walker, on the other hand, tried to run mostly on hazardous economy and culture war issues, in which unfortunately he frequently got tangled up, while the needed blocking support from GOP heavyweights like Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, and Trump himself proved to be slow and flabby, which was predictable just by looking at them.

Walker’s biggest problems, however, were his own persistent fumbles and tripping over his own feet. And when he kicked the ball into the Ref’s face and carried the ball into the wrong endzone things only got worse.

The former NFL star running back also threw his children under the Zamboni, tried to drive out of the rough with a putter, hit into a triple play, fouled the court, and lost the badminton birdie in the bushes.

At a results watch party Tuesday night Walker said running for the Senate was one of the best decisions of his life, which had many wondering how bad the others were, besides the ones that came to light during the campaign. He also remarked, “There are no excuses in life. I’m not going to make any excuses now.”

Walker’s mentor, the former president, who showed up during the final seconds to host a tele-rally, was heard to remark, “Yes there are. There’s plenty of excuses.”

Vern Hu Chu

San Francisco – Juul Labs, the purveyor of vapid vaping varieties, has reached settlements in law suits covering about 10,000 plaintiffs brought on behalf of teenagers and others who say they became addicted to the company’s high-nicotine products and could not stop vaping even after they found out that it was actually not cool and made you look like some kind of dweeb.

Several lawsuits found that Juul marketed its electronic cigarettes to underage teens with product giveaways and social media posts using models who looked like they had lots of friends and went to parties where the cool kids were invited.

Uncool person in throes of addiction

Some experts predict that the products may soon go the way of digital TV dinners made of tasteless mush that can take on the flavors of whatever the characters on the TV shows are eating; electronic aprons that algorithmically predict what a husband will want to drink when he comes home from a hard day at the office; and high-resolution graphic displays of puppies and kittens with big eyes that appear and dissolve on wall-hung LED screens throughout the day.

In September, the company’s largest investor, tobacco giant Altria, announced plans to resume competing with its own line of electronic cigarettes. Meanwhile, other companies are coming forward with plans to develop a product that digitally enhances the shape of one’s automobile to look like a Tesla, a line of wearable fabrics that display images of clothing that Kardashians would wear, and digital tattoos that can be projected onto one’s exposed body parts.

That means, of course, that Juul could soon be forced to battle for space on retail shelves with all kinds of similarly doomed product lines.

Vidalia Unjon

Phoenix – Kari Lake, the ex-TV news anchor Republican who was defeated in Arizona governor’s race, is asking a court to throw out certified election results from Maricopa county and either declare her the winner or rerun the governor’s election in that county.

The lawsuit says long lines and other difficulties that people experienced while voting on Election Day in Maricopa County, such as being white people’s bowling day and brunchable recipe comparison day threw the election illegally to her opponent, Katie Hobbs, who is obviously not as pretty as she is. The challenge also contends that hundreds of thousands of ballots were illegally cast by people who say they knew girls just like her in high school who gave them the shivers.

Lake has refused to acknowledge that she lost to Hobbs by more than 17,000 votes, especially after she had her picture taken multiple times with Donald Trump in which both showed their teeth in a smiling attitude.

Evidence of smiling

The candidate also had complaints related to a problem with printers at some vote centers that printed ballots that were too light to be read by the tabulators who, according to a Lake spokesperson, were a bunch of old ladies who could hardly see because their prescription glasses had not been updated for decades due to lack of Medicare coverage.

Lines backed up in some polling places, fueling Republican suspicions that some supporters had enough problems with their kids’ gay ballet teacher without having to deal with this too.

A spokesperson for the secretary of state’s office, said Lake’s lawsuit was being reviewed, but she was getting shivers just looking at it.