Sun Gonna Shine

Vern Hu Chu

Washington – The US Department of Energy announced a breakthrough in nuclear fusion on Tuesday. Nuclear fusion occurs when the nuclei of two atoms fuse into one nucleus, which converts the excess mass into energy.

It’s what keeps the sun burning, although scientists say it will eventually burn out. By that time, however, humankind will be able to make its own sun—son of sun—and even many suns. Miniatures in our backyard and big ones around the universe to bring more planets to life or use as garbage dumps.

Up to now we have only had nuclear fission, the reverse of fusion, in which a nucleus gets split in half. We have only used it for blowing things up or powering power plants, which occasionally leak radiation. This can turn people into spiders or massive mounds of muscles or, more problematically in the case of Bingo Schwartz of Three-Mile Island, endow with three eyes and four ears, an innovation that never caught on.

Fission drawback

The fusion breakthrough has major implications for renewable energy. Experts say nuclear fusion can release four million times more energy than burning oil or coal. One expert calculated that a midsize SUV with a full tank of nuclear fusion fuel would be able to drive around the world several times without stopping. Thus, some entrepreneurial scientists are already working on an SUV that turns into a seaworthy boat and tires that do not have to be rotated.

Nuclear fusion fuel would also not cause carbon emissions that heat up the planet and make people who live in the south try to move to the north. We asked Abu Fawaz of Abilene, Saudi Arabia, if he was concerned about oil becoming obsolete. He said he would just get an SUV-boat and move to Norway.

No Exit, No Vegan Entrée

Elenore Amaranth

Nassau – Sam Bankman-Fried was arrested in the Bahamas on Monday night at the request of prosecutors from the US Attorney’s office in the Southern District of New York.

The founder of the bankrupt cryptocurrency exchange FTX was charged with conspiracy to commit various kinds of fraud based on taking people’s actual money and pretending to turn it into pretend money that other pretenders try to pretend is worth pretending to want.

Fried Bankman

He is now being held in Nassau’s Fox Hill jail, the features of which include vermin-infested, tiny, overcrowded jail cells and no vegan options on the meal menu except for a fire-roasted plantain in a pineapple-cashew glaze with haricots verts cooked in a sauce of shallots, fresh herbs, lemon juice, and butter, the last ingredient of which, as Chef Dave Wermbs maintained, “Mr. Friedman-Bank could forgo to maintain his vegan diet.”

Unfortunately, Fried-Bankman is allergic to shallots, and Chef Wermbs says while he is willing to leave out the butter, he finds that the shallots cannot be eliminated without “malignantly compromising” the whole recipe. He suggests, however, the possibility of a broccoli rabe soup that has only a small amount of broth made from the freshly severed hind leg bone of a three-day-old lamb and some of the expelled blood from the limb.

According to our sources, Fried-Manbank’s immediate family members repeatedly called the Nassau jail on Tuesday night begging that the 30-year-old at least be provided some Beyond Burgers and peanut butter, which Chef Wermbs has strenuously vetoed.

Trump Cards Wild

Vidalia Unjon

Palm Beach – Donald Trump’s promised “major announcement” that ended up being $99 digital trading cards depicting him as a muscular fellow with apparently nuclear-radiation-induced superpowers has frustrated his closest supporters, who were expecting something more dramatic in the announcement, such as an all-out military crusade against Wokesters.

At the very least, he ought to be focusing on his 2024 reelection campaign and promoting current Republican supporters’ agenda of rounding up nonwhites and non-Christians and locking them in prisons in Greenland after they acquire it by trading Puerto Rico to Denmark. Instead, they complain, he has come up with this insane trading card scheme.

Many of his most ardent supporters called on him to fire the person who thought up the NFT idea. Steve Bannon said, “Anybody on the comms team and anybody at Mar-a-Lago—and I love the folks down there—but we’re at war. They ought to be fired today.”

Others labeled the former president’s announcement as “weird” “ridiculous,” and “tacky.” A media personality named Baked Alaska, who pleaded guilty to unlawfully protesting on January 6, said, “I can’t believe I’m going to jail for an NFT salesman.’”

Former Trump National Security Adviser Michael Flynn, who is advising Mr. Trump to use the military to overthrow the last election with fighter jets strafing Democratic strongholds, said that he would immediately fire whoever advised Trump to issue the trading cards. Whoever came up with that is a ninny, he added.

Flynn demonstrating air attacks to come

A Mar-a-Lago operative who was in on the scheme reportedly answered “Am not,” and added, “Besides, the NFTs were all sold out in one day, raking in millions of dollars to fund your dumb military campaign. So there.”