Boebert and Gaetz Sitting in a Tree

Andy Cranberry

Washington – The Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky addressed the US Congress on Wednesday night, describing his country as “alive and kicking” and said it was thanks to the support of the American people.

His appearance coincided with the debate over a new spending bill that includes $45 billion in aid to Ukraine. Zelensky said the aid was an investment in “global security and democracy.”

Almost everyone gave the Ukrainian leader a standing ovation for this line, but Republican representatives Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert were seen to remain seated and looking at their phones.

Boebert and Gaetz both oppose additional aid to Ukraine and have called for investigations into previous aid that has gone to the Ukraine because there was too much fraud involved and they do not like fraud.

Gaetz and Boebert inspiring each other

It is important that fraud does not happen, explained a Gaetz staffer, so when it came time to applaud Zelensky for accepting payments of fraud, it was necessary for Mr. Gaetz and Ms. Boebert to bravely inspire themselves to strive against standing up for fraud by sitting down.

They also wisely made use of the time while not applauding the fraudster Zelensky by using their phones to send messages of importance.

Other reports have it that Gaetz and Boebert were actually texting jokes to each other about Marjorie Taylor Greene, with whom Boebert is feuding because Boebert said she doesn’t believe in Jewish space lasers or Kevin McCarthy and Greene says Boebert was being mean and her boyfriend could beat up Boebert’s boyfriend or Matt Gaetz in case they are the same person.

Iran’s Hijab Jabs

Solomon Fabreeze

Tehran – The Iranian Foreign Ministry has released a statement from spokesman Nasser Kanaani, who said that Iran has repeatedly told Ukraine to stop accusing Iran of giving drones to Russia. Kanaani said, “Mr. Zelensky had better know that Iran’s strategic patience over such unfounded accusations is not endless.”

Zelensky being rude to Iran

In his address to Congress, Zelensky said that “Iranian deadly drones became a threat to our critical infrastructure. That is how one terrorist has found the other.”

Kanaani objected that Iranians are not terrorists and did not appreciate such rude remarks. He said that Iranians are peace-loving devout people and want to get along with everyone except Arabs and Jews.

The release added that Kanaani advised Zelensky to “draw a lesson from the fate of some other political leaders who contented themselves with the US support.”

This seemed to be a subtle reference to the Shah of Iran who depended on the United States for support until the people of Iran rose up and arrested Jimmy Carter’s diplomats in the late seventies, making him lose the election to Ronald Reagan, and then they installed an Islamic theocracy and ever since then Iran’s women have been wearing hijabs and staying home from work to cook kebabs for their husbands.

“I don’t think you wife would like to wear a hijab, Mr. Zelensky,” Kanaani went on. I hear she is quite fond of showing off her hair like Marilyn Monroe and Oprah Winfrey and such other American unbelievers. Also, I doubt she can make a decent kebab.”

Is There a Santos Clause?

Vidalia Unjon

New York – Many questions are arising after George Santos, the Republican congressman-elect for a district in Long Island and Queens, New York, appears to have filed paperwork on Tuesday stating that he lives in Florida.

Santos apparently registered his company, Devolder Organization LLC, which has no website and is unforthcoming about what the operation actually does, in Florida. This news comes one day after The New York Times appeared to show Santos’s claims about where he worked, lived, and went to college are not true.

Santos has not tried to clear these questions up. Did he go to college? Did he graduate? What was his GPA? How does he explain that episode in high school band class involving the tuba? Does he have former classmates who believe anything he says? Who is Tom?

Under Florida law the registered agent of a Florida company must be a resident of Florida. So when Santos filed his form this week he ipso facto declared that he is a resident of the state of Florida. Therefore he can’t be a resident of New York where his constituents live. So they can’t be his constituents even if they really, really want to and close their eyes and wish on a falling star.

Some say there is a clause in the law that permits an agent to live in another state if the agent’s company is a charity and employs people who are physically challenged, such as little people. But why was his supposed charity never registered with the IRS for nonprofit status? And where is that clause? What page is it on? Many say the clause does not exist.

George Santos explaining himself