The Santos Spectacles

Thornton Wharton

Washington – Does George Santos actually need eyeglasses? Many are now questioning the congressperson’s visual impairment. Spectral image data in nonvisible bands caught on special camera equipment with the use of optical filters to capture a specific range of light refraction suggest that the lenses in his spectacles are specious and no different than plain glass, lacking any corrective properties.

Mr. Santos mysteriously appears wearing eyeglasses at times and at other times is seen without them, looking as if he can see quite well.

Also, as many have remarked, he often appears wearing a blue sweater underneath his suit jacket, or perhaps blazer, as if he is sensitive to the winter temperatures of Washington. Perhaps because he comes from the hot climate of Brazil, where he was sometimes seen dressed in skimpy women’s clothing and an auburn wig delicately fringed with blonde highlights.

The official George Santos

But in fact, in Mr. Santos’s official Congressional portrait he seems suspiciously denuded of any facial hair whatsoever and possibly any body hair at all, except for presumably his armpits. Could he really be a woman? Or is he/she/they perhaps an extraterrestrial being that does not grow pubic follicles upon the skin?

Nassau County GOP Chair Joseph Cairo does not seem to care one way or the other. “He disgraced the House of Representatives,” Cairo said at a press conference Wednesday, Jan. 11. “He has no place in the Nassau County Republican Committee.”

Kim Kin Curry

Vern Hu Chu

The sister of Kim Jong Un—Kim Yo Jung—has warned that the West “crossed a line” with its decision to supply tanks to Ukraine and that Washington is escalating a “proxy war” aimed at destroying Moscow.

She then added, “I do not doubt that any military hardware the US and the West boast of will be burnt into pieces in the face of the indomitable fighting spirit and might of the heroic Russian army and people.”

Miss Kim prays for Russian heroes

US analysts are trying to determine what she meant by “burnt into pieces,” “indomitable fighting spirit,” and “heroic Russian army.”

“Burnt into pieces,” of course may mean that the Russians plant to deploy welders in Ukraine wielding oxy-fuel torches capable of cutting through the metals of US military hardware.

“Indomitable fighting spirit” would seem to be an obvious reference to Vegeta, prince of the alien warrior race known as the Saiyans, who has become obsessed with surpassing Goku after losing his first battle with the Z fighters. But it may be that this Japanese cultural icon was an inadvertent reference, and Miss Kim was really subtly pointing to vegetables as a source of power that counteracts the Western diet of meat and potatoes, which makes so many people obese, like her brother, who is getting sick and possibly may no longer deserve to live, not that she would try to have him assassinated, like he did to her other brother. She may also simply have been trying to use big words.

“Heroic Russian army” seems to contain an element of satire.

I Didn’t Do It

Vidalia Unjon

Miami – Quoting Richard Nixon’s press secretary, Ron Ziegler, former vice president Mike Pence said Friday that “mistakes were made” with regard to the discovery of classified documents back home in Indiana.

Just as Ronald Reagan once averred about the Iran-Contra Affair, “Mistakes were made.” And the Advisory Committee on Human Radiation Experiments also completely agreed, submitting that serious “wrongs were done” when they injected people with plutonium without their knowledge.

Moreover, as Henry Kissinger would say, regarding war crimes, it is quite possible that, as New Jersey governor Chris Christie also acknowledged, regarding closure of the George Washington Bridge and former prime minister Tony Blair mentioned after the Iraq War devolved into a bloody fiasco, “mistakes were made.”

Pence said he takes “full responsibility” and although he had not been aware that the documents were in his residence, this wasn’t an excuse.

Pence pondering

“Let me be clear about something: Those classified documents should not have been in my personal residence,” Pence said at Florida International University, where he was talking about the economy and promoting his new book, So Help Me God. “Mistakes were made.”

The announcement of the documents in Pence’s possession came a few days after his former boss, Donald Trump mentioned obliquely that his documents were “mine!” and added “I have dirt on everyone!”